African dating culture


02-Oct-2016 20:24

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It is extremely difficult for most folks to accept that things outside of us cannot fill the need for soul connection. In it, women must fit into one of these categories: slut, sidepiece, old maid, gold digger, failure, lonely independent achiever, loser or perfect paragon of virtue.

No one teaches us how to fill our own ache, so we spend a lifetime attempting to fill it with people, places and things that don’t serve us. There are countless blog pieces, magazine articles and books out there attempting to hip you to the way to “win” at the dating and relationship “game.” Here’s the problem: People who play games, and who see connection and relationships as games, never really grow up. Women are not living, breathing entities with their own ideas about who they are; they are simply objects to be used or won, whose value is determined by their cunning or hapless use of their “cookie.” The book reduces us down to what Harvey believes are our least common denominators: men’s need for money, sex and a place to be king of the castle, and women’s need to stave off the social stigma of loneliness, the overall poor opinions of others, and the struggle of raising children on their own. The barely-hidden cruelty of it is like watching a cat toy with a mouse.

To paraphrase Eleanore Wells of The Spinsterlicious Life.com, marriage is not a better life—it's just a different one.

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For single African-American women, the pressure to create a pair bond and get married can be relentless.

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Women should not suppress or ignore that ability simply because it is difficult for men to access or understand.Women should not fear being doomed to loneliness if they insist on living in their highest nature.Is it my intention to exclusively date or eventually try to marry this guy? In other words, I don’t want to marry every man that I date.I can enjoy a gentleman’s company without feeling the pressure to explain why he and I are not monogamous or why I’m not devising Operation Bridezilla in order to get hitched to him. If people gave advice or shared their experiences in an attempt to be relevant rather than “clever,” they might actually help someone. I can sum up my opinion of the book in two words: Negro, please.

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In fact, the pressure is so strong, I sometimes get the suspicious feeling that everyone else out there is more afraid of us being single and having options than we are. I went on a date recently with a ruggedly handsome, intelligent and funny guy.

It was a great night, filled with stimulating conversation, laughter and, in the end, high-quality intimacy. Because I have the emotional muscle and maturity to understand that our backgrounds, entanglements and existing commitments preclude us from that kind of a connection.