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25-Jan-2015 10:35

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One-third Ferndale and two-thirds East side, Hazel Park is going to be the next inner-ring suburb to get colonized by hipsters -- they're already starting to trickle in from the other side of I-75. For a city with such a large Hasidic population, you would think they would have some killer Jewish food. What's a person gotta do to kibitz over a lean pastrami on rye and sliced gefilte fish with a side of kugel and a slice of apple cake in this town? Royal Oak is the most bro-tastic of all the Metro Detroit suburbs. Once upon a time, Royal Oak was all mopey goths chain-smoking at the Coffee Beanery and Hare Krishnas giving out free books on the corner. Berkley is sort of what Ferndale might look like if Ferndale's efforts to develop its Downtown commercial corridors had mostly failed.

No other Metro Detroit cities call to mind images of absolute nothingness quite as well as Farmington and Farmington Hills do. Some good spots have opened in the last few years, though, so we're not giving up on you yet, Berkley!

While Downtown Clawson might not be as vast as Royal Oak's, it still has all the essentials: great sushi, great Vietnamese, great Italian, great dive bars, a record store, a comics store, and a magic shop. But that pleasant stretch of retail along the 14 Mile Rd and Main St intersections aside, it's still pretty boring, and with suburban soul-suck Troy bordering one side and bro-tastic Royal Oak on the other, there's no nearby safe haven to which one might retreat.

Each of these towns is unique in its own way, but the question is, do they suck? Let's investigate: The only suburb outside of Detroit city limits that's "cool" to move to, that all of your judgey Detroit friends with their Midtown lofts and Corktown bartending jobs can agree is an acceptable -- nay, THE acceptable -- substitute for actually living IN the city.

That said, there's a sacrifice people make by leaving Detroit's keep-it-realness for the fabulousness of Ferndale: the kind of tedious, self-important hipsterdom that comes with having money and approaching middle age but still trying to cling to that grittiness of one's youthful days in Detroit.

Saying you're "from Detroit" doesn't always mean you're from Detroit.

) less upscale Pleasant Ridge to Berkley's Ferndale.An almost entirely residential area filled with big, beautiful brick homes hidden in plain sight right along the Woodward corridor north of I-696, but really only walkable to the Detroit Zoo if you REALLY like walking. People who live in Clawson have a secret: Clawson is easily the most underrated city in Oakland County.In other words, you'll find an abundance of increasingly out of touch, "get off my organically fertilized lawn-slash-urban garden" types with elaborate facial hair and wool caps. Don't confuse these with the Ferndale babies in bars; the distinction here is in the choice of attire.Also, young mothers in flowery dresses who raise chickens in their backyards, sell handmade stationary on Etsy, and think it's totally okay to push through Imperial at 10pm on a Friday night with their baby strollers. In Hazel Park it's more bottle blonde and inadvisable midriffs with booty shorts as opposed to vintage dresses and non-prescription plastic glasses. Or, if anything, the flashing red and blue lights of a cop car in your rearview mirror, because you were going 37 in a 35 and these cops have NOTHING ELSE TO DO. Is there some sort of dude-bro signal that went out that, much like a dog whistle, only dude-bros could sense? What we CAN get, however, is a lifetime-supply of Ed Hardy shirts.

At least you have Berkley Front to drown your sorrows in.

Huntington Woods is sort of the bigger but somewhat (just a little!

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